


Two by Two

by BluebeardsWife



Category: Hollyoaks, In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-03-05 07:19:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3111002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluebeardsWife/pseuds/BluebeardsWife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon Monroe and Kieren Walker end up at Chez Chez in Hollyoaks. Crossover AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Ungrateful little bastards..." Brendan muttered under his breath as he threw his phone onto his desk.  
"Who now?" Ste had just walked into his small office.  
"Food poisoning!" Brendan shouted and slammed his hand on the desk.  
"Okay..." Ste raised his eyebrows and set a small brown bag on Brendan's desk. "I brought you lunch. Sounds like you could use it."  
"Three of my employees called in sick with food poisoning. Three!" Brendan said in a quieter voice, though still sounding panicked. He suspected that it wasn't food poisoning so much as a hangover, as he had thrown them a small celebration the night before to make up for making them work on actual New Year's Eve, and a few of them had continued the festivities long after he had sent them home.  
Ste just stood there, feeling helpless – and a little annoyed.  
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" he finally burst out. "Are you working tonight? On New Year's Eve?"  
"I..." Brendan looked around, exasperated. "It's not like I have a choice, Steven."  
Ste took a deep breath, collecting his thoughts. After a moment, he said,  
"If you're three people short, you can use my help, yeah? D'you want me to look after the bar?"  
Ste smiled at the surprised look that Brendan gave him before he continued,  
"If you have to work tonight, at least we'll be together, and maybe I can steal a New Year's kiss."  
"Okay. Thank you, Steven." Brendan rose from his chair and slowly walked around his desk to Ste. "I'm sure I can find some way to repay you." Smirking, he brushed the hair off Ste's forehead lightly with his fingertips.

****  
"Kieren, it's almost midnight... Maybe we should head back?" Simon spoke tentatively.  
He and Kieren had been walking through the forest for almost an hour. And while he didn't feel cold or tired, Simon was worried about where they might end up.  
"And go where?" Kieren let out an exasperated, hollow chuckle. "All this is your fault, you know. You told the Undead Prophet you would kill me. You _tried_ to kill me." He stopped and turned to face Simon, who stepped back like a scared child and looked down at his feet.  
"Why should I even trust that you're not taking me to him now?" Kieren continued. That was a good question, thought Simon. He lifted his eyes to meet Kieren's.  
"If you don't want me with you, I'll leave." He said simply. "But I'd like to protect you, if I may."  
"No, I just..." Kieren's voice trailed off. An eruption of cheers and odd bangs from a distance made both men jump.  
"It must be midnight."  
"And a happy new year to us," Kieren whispered. He was angry with Simon and generally unsure about his trustworthiness, but he couldn't help hoping at that moment that his companion would lean over and kiss him. Pathetic, he thought, as he shook off the idea and headed toward the source of the noise. Simon could follow or not. It was his choice.  
It seemed as though the further they went into the forest, the denser the fog became. Simon had started lightly touching Kieren's elbow as they walked, in an attempt not to lose sight of him. There was something unnerving about the white mist that covered everything. It felt almost unreal.  
They had walked for two more hours before coming across a small, sleepy town. It seemed odd to both that the noise they had heard was so far away, but Kieren explained it away by suggesting that they probably took a roundabout way. Privately, Simon thought that the whole situation felt surreal and half expected something horrible to happen at any moment.  
It seemed that the middle of the night on New Year's Eve was not the best time for entering a new town. Simon and Kieren passed several gaggles of drunk people on the street, some of whom laughed while others seemed horrified, but all of which pointedly stared at them as they passed.  
"You'd think they'd never seen a PDS sufferer." Simon mumbled, continuing to stare down every passerby.  
"We're drawing attention to ourselves," said Kieren. "We should apply our cover up mousse before we keep going. Come on."  
He tugged at Simon's sleeve before ducking into the nearest alleyway. There was still music coming from the building they stood behind, and bright lettering on the wall alerted them that it was a nightclub.  
"Maybe they'll let us use their restroom." Kieren said before running up the steps to the club's entrance. Simon grabbed his shoulder before the younger man had reached the door.  
"Let me go in first." He said, reaching for the door handle.

*****  
It had been a while since Ste had manned a bar, but it all came back to him easily that night. The club got slammed and, while it made for a very busy shift, it also made the time go by faster. Midnight had passed before Ste even realized it, and the crowd slowly thinned out until it was just him and Brendan. Still wired from his shift, Ste left the music on as he cleaned up the bar and Brendan counted the cash in the office.  
Katy Perry's voice came out of the speakers, and Ste found himself swaying to the rhythm of the music. _This was never the way I planned, not my intention. I got so brave, drink in hand, lost my discretion._ Ste returned the clean glasses in their spot one by one to the rhythm of the song. A slamming of the door behind him let him know how Brendan felt about the music. _It's not what I'm used to, just wanna try you on. I'm curious for you caught my attention._ Ste started mouthing the words to the song. _I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick._   He grabbed a beer bottle from the counter next to him and, putting it close to his mouth like a microphone, sang along loudly: " _I kissed a girl just to try it. I hope my boyfriend don't mind it!_ " Swaying his hips to the beat, he continued, " _It felt so wrong. It..._ " _felt so right._ He stopped mid-sentence, mouth agape, as he turned around to face the front of the bar. To his left, Brendan was leaning against the frame of the office door, observing him with a small smirk on his face. To his right, almost at the top of the stairs, two very pale men with strange eyes were looking directly at him.


	2. Chapter 2

Brendan and Ste sat on the couch across from the two newcomers. Brendan was all for kicking them out, but something about the taller man with dark hair had made Ste offer them a seat and a drink instead.  
"So you're... zombies?" Ste said tentatively.  
"PDS sufferers."  
"The Undead."  
The two men spoke at the same time and exchanged a fraught look.  
"This is ridiculous," Brendan laughed.  
"When I shook their hands, they were proper cold, though" Ste mumbled. "And that don't look like makeup to me."  
"How do you think they do it in scary movies?" Brendan argued. "Of course it's makeup. And it's cold outside, innit? Of course their hands are gonna be cold."  
"You are aware that we can hear you?" the darker haired man said with raised eyebrows while his lanky companion smirked.  
"How could you not know about the rising?" Kieren asked.  
"It wasn't on the news or nothing." Ste replied.  
A brief silence filled the room, with all four men contemplating the weirdness of the situation.  
"Well, in any case, we were just looking for a place to put on our cover up and take our Neurotryptiline." Kieren said, pleading in his voice. He knew they were on thin ice with these strangers, and while the smaller man seemed open to helping them, the handsome dark haired one with the weird moustache reminded him unpleasantly of Gary.  
"Neuro-what?" Ste asked, forgetting to close his mouth after speaking.  
"It's a compound that stimulates the reproduction of brain cells and allows us to have normal cognitive functioning." Simon spoke evenly, keeping his eyes on Brendan the whole time.  
"Oh." Ste pretended to understand while Brendan continued to glare in Simon's direction. Simon returned his gaze steadily with a small smile.  
"Well, the loo is right down here. I'll show you." Ste rose and led Kieren to the bathroom.

****

  
Ste and Kieren entered the bathroom, and Ste looked curiously into the mirror.  
"Your reflection," he said. "You have one."  
"We're not vampires," Kieren laughed.  
"Right," Ste blushed. "'Course not. It's just... it's all a bit weird, is all."  
Kieren pulled out a small jar of cover up mousse from his backpack and started applying it to his face with a sponge as Ste looked on awkwardly. Their eyes met for a moment, and Kieren smiled at Ste's fascination.  
"Sorry," Ste muttered. "I don't mean to be rude or nothing."  
"It's alright." Kieren responded. At this point he really didn't mind the kind of benevolent gawking he was receiving and worried instead about leaving Simon alone with that Brendan bloke.  
Ste glanced at the door and then back at Kieren.  
"They look a lot alike, don't they?" he finally spoke what was on his mind.  
"Who?" Kieren asked absentmindedly, smoothing the mousse on his face before suddenly realizing what had been so eerie about the moustached man. "Jesus, you're right!" He turned to face Ste.  
"They look _exactly_ alike." He glanced at the mirror and then at Ste to make sure that they weren't dopplegangers as well.  
"Well, not _exactly_..." Ste said, thinking privately that his Brendan was better looking, though Simon looked rather handsome for a zombie as well.

  
****

  
Brendan and Simon sat in silence for a while, Brendan occupying as much space on the couch as he possibly could, fingers resting nervously on his knees.  
"Aren't you gonna put on makeup, too?" Brendan asked, finally.  
Simon looked at him calmly. "I'm not ashamed of who I am."  
"Well you look fucking weird." Brendan bared his teeth a little.  
"Says the bloke with the ridiculous moustache," Simon replied promptly.  
Brendan stood up suddenly. "You wanna go, huh?"  
After having to work on New Year's Eve, this kind of insolence was the last thing he needed. He had planned on spending the evening drinking Irish whisky with Steven. The kids were with Amy, and they had the apartment to themselves. It was supposed to have been a fun night. And instead, they got this.  
Simon rose slowly, clearly unafraid of Brendan. They sized each other up, both noting that they were similar in stature.  
"What's this then?" Ste's voice broke the tension. "You're not fighting, are you?" He walked over to the two men and placed his hand on Brendan's chest.  
"Simon!" Kieren went over to his companion and grabbed Simon's arm.  
Brendan laughed suddenly. "I'm just joking." He said, still laughing.  
"You got a real tough guy here." He said to Kieren. "Tell me, who wears the pants in your relationship?"  
"Brendan!" Ste pushed him away from their two guests.  
"We should go." Simon said.  
"Do you mind if we just take our medication first?" asked Kieren.  
"Yeah, stay as long as you'd like." Ste said, glaring at Brendan.  
"It'll just be a moment." Kieren said, fumbling with a small box in his backpack. He turned to Simon, who turned his back to him, without breaking eye contact with Brendan.  
Ste stared as Kieren pulled out a small bottle-like device, inserted it into a rather large hole in Simon's neck, and squeezed the trigger, emptying the green fluid into Simon's spine. Simon flinched momentarily, but quickly composed himself and turned around to administer the medicine to Kieren.  
Brendan noted that, with his makeup and contacts on, the younger lad was quite attractive. In fact, he was just his type. Knowing how easily Ste got jealous, Brendan figured he could still turn this night around. This whole zombie nonsense still didn't seem believable, but there was no denying that something weird was going on.  
"Look," he said to the two men. "We got off on the wrong foot. Why don't I make things right by offering you a drink. I have some good stuff hidden away for a special occasion."  
He walked behind the bar and pulled out a bottle and four glasses.  
"Erm... thank you, but we don't... we can't drink." Kieren said.  
"We already told you that." Simon followed.  
"Oh! Oh, right, _zombies_." Brendan said, and Simon made a small move towards him, which he pretended not to notice.  
Brendan poured whisky into two glasses and handed one to Ste.  
"Well, you don't mind if we have a couple, do you?" he said, gesturing towards the couches.  
Kieren and Simon exchanged a look. Neither of them felt entirely comfortable or welcome here, but they had been walking for hours and had no idea where they were going. They sat down quietly and another uncomfortable silence filled the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appear to be back with a very short update after a very long hiatus. I can't commit to regular updates, but I'll try my best to finish this story soon.

"What?" Brendan snapped testily at Ste all of a sudden.  
"What what?" Ste played dumb.  
"Why do you and Goldilocks over there keep staring at me?"   
Kieren and Ste exchanged a meaningful look.   
"You have been staring at both of us." Simon agreed reluctantly. To be fair, he wasn't sure about Ste, but he knew that Kieren had never looked at him as much or as curiously as he had in the brief silence that had filled the room.   
"Well," Ste started. "It just seems like, maybe, you two look a bit alike, yeah?"   
"What, me and this g...?" Brendan pointed at Simon who was frowning as well.   
"This what?" he asked, raising his eyebrows combatively, to which Brendan just rolled his eyes.   
"Seriously, Simon," Kieren finally piped up. He had been curiously quiet all night. "Take this bloke's ridiculous facial hair off and slap some cover up mousse on you, and you could be twins."  
"I always wondered what you'd look like without the 'tache," Ste whispered to Brendan and nudged him a little with his elbow.  
"Are you joking?" Brendan couldn't stop being appalled.  
"Jus' saying," Ste mumbled. "Would be interesting without the moustache burn."   
As it turned out, Ste hadn't had time to eat dinner that night, and the third oversized shot of whisky he was working on was already making him feel warm and fuzzy inside. He failed to notice the look of seething jealousy that crossed Brendan's face as he glanced at the barefaced Simon.  
Simon, of course, noticed the attention he was getting from Ste, and, while he wasn't personally the least bit interested, he quite enjoyed seeing Brendan squirm. He glanced nervously at Kieren, who gave him a warmer smile than he'd gotten all night.   
"So... how'd you end up in Hollyoaks?" Ste broke the silence.   
Simon and Kieren exchanged a nervous glance before Simon spoke evenly.  
"We walked here from Roarton."  
"It's odd," Kieren added, frowning. "I'd never heard of Hollyoaks before. And it can't be very far away..."  
"Roarton?" Brendan asked. "There's no such place."  
Ste and Kieren sighed loudly at the same time. Brendan was not going to let this be easy.   
"Where are you headed?" Ste continued his questioning.   
The truth was that Simon and Kieren had no idea where they were going. Kieren had been seized with panic after Simon told him the truth about his visit to the city and insisted that they leave Roarton immediately. He was worried that staying would endanger Jem and his parents, and there was no way he was going to let that happen.   
After an awkward silence, during which Simon and Kieren failed to come up with a satisfying answer, Brendan chuckled again.   
"Maybe we should ask, what are you running away from?" he asked.   
Ste perked up.   
"Running away from the law?" he asked, leaning forward.   
"No!" Kieren replied immediately, frowning slightly. "Are you familiar with the ULA?"   
At Ste and Brendan's blank looks, he continued.  
"The Undead Liberation Army. They may be after me because they think I'm someone I'm not. It's all a big mess." He shot a sideways glance at Simon, who pretended not to notice.  
"Oho, and what did paleface here have to do with it?" Brendan asked shrewdly.   
"I am the 12th disciple of the Undead Prophet." Simon gave a vague reply.   
"That doesn't tell them anything." Kieren noted.   
"Good." Simon was already uncomfortable with the amount of information they'd shared and thought it best to cut off conversation, even if it meant being rude. He didn't care much about propriety when it came to the living.   
"So you two own the club?" Kieren asked awkwardly.  
"I own the club," Brendan shot out. "Steven here is just helping," he added.   
"Wha? This place would've burned down to the ground if it wasn't for me tonight! I worked my ass off!" Ste protested.  
"And I will show you how much I appreciate that later tonight," Brendan said in a hushed tone.   
"We should go," Simon stood up. "It's late, we don't want to keep you."   
"Nawww, mate," Ste was feeling warm and generous from the liquor. "If you don't have a place to stay, you can stop at ours tonight."  
"What?" Brendan didn't try to hide his anger.   
"C'mon, Brendan, we can't let them freeze to death!"  
Brendan sputtered for a moment. "Well, from what I gather, they're already dead. Can't freeze to death if you're already dead. Right?" He looked at Kieren, eyebrows raised. "Am I right?"   
Kieren nodded. "We don't want to cause any trouble," he said, before getting up and following Simon to the stairs.   
They had already started going down the staircase when Brendan's pained voice reached them. "Alright, alright, they can stay!" There was only so much of Ste's pouting and glaring he could handle. "But you owe me," he growled at Ste before turning to the guests.   
"It's only for tonight. I want you gone tomorrow. No funny business, no... eating my brains... or..." Brendan's voice trailed off as he waved his hand vaguely.   
Simon was ready to leave. He had long stopped allowing the living to treat him this way. His lip quivered with anger, but he knew that Kieren needed the rest and was probably safer in this lunatic's house than out on the streets. He nodded.   
"Thank you," Kieren said simply.


End file.
